Reflections on a relationship.
معسالمه دنيس حبايبي(Denise Lee Terry)
Contextual
Hi حبيبي ,
Sorry to interject into your life once more, but just received this and you did say you might ask for my advice/help in overseas things, so here ’tis.
We did this last summer before heading out here and found it very supportive and helpful. I know it costs, but again, felt obligated to let you know and you can do it or not as you see opportunity or need. It begins next month and I didn’t want to waste time sending it on. I am not involved in it anymore so you need not worry about that; we already did it and are involved with another OL thing from OM for working the AP, haha.
Have not forgotten the other email about the UK; just taking time to include everything and make sure it’s accurate.
Hi حبيبي,
While I was mastering songs for the orchestra album, I came across this and wondered if I had ever sent it to you. So anyway, here’s the link in case you’re interested; I think you might like it. The bulk of it was music scoring for a film; all of the stuff before the loud “payoff”. The film (and the director, and I, haha) thought the big emotional part was a bit too much for what the film was about. I honestly don’t remember the film because I spent most of my time on this version. If you’ve already heard it, ignore this last section. 😀
You’ve never asked about my “weird stuff” as my wife calls it or if you wanted to hear any of it. I may have sent you the other movements of “The Light Princess.” The link is on my website. “Faerie” that I sent you is from a second story by MacDonald that the same graphic novel company has started. I don’t think the artwork is nearly as good a rendition, but I like the way Faerie turned out and may write some more.
https://open.spotify.com/track/63B8svmwKsHFEcXDsraQXC?si=c67a3a4d90de4b4b
2:
I wanted to remind you that I value your opinion; there are only a few people I send these too. One is my mom, another is a colleague at Malone who is well known as a composer in his own right (and.a couple of others from CFAMC)
So be honest in your evaluation: if there is something tweaky about the piece, let me know!
3:
I had a good talk today with a brother and he said something that made me make a decision. The following was already in process, but my friend is intentionally missional, a member of our home church and a good accountability and it was good advice. I told him that I’ve been trying to help you in a missional sense and in spite of my assurances that it is above board, he still called it a “red flag.” So it prompted me to go ahead and figure where we’re at.
You have always tended to be very close with expressing your emotions to people and especially to me. In fact, the only time I’ve really seen a reaction out ofyou concerning me, at least, was once in college when you chewed me out when we were cliff diving at Turnbull (you probably don’t even remember), and everyone thought I was drowning while I was just swimming underwater. I certainly didn’t expect any reaction out of you much less that one! The second was a year ago when we had that long phone conversation and I confessed a lot of things (which was pretty hard for me to do) and you laughed I think on the other end. Those two things prompted this, so we can come to some conclusions and godly plans.
So just check one of the following numbers from 1 to 10. It took me a very long time to write (and rewrite) this so it would not come off weird; okay it’s still a bit weird but this is the best I came up with. The 1 and the 10 may seem extreme but I included the widest range possible to help you think objectively, accurate ly as possible, and honestly. I will do the same on my end without leading your response:
I know you haven’t been answering any of my emails, as innocuous and helpful as they are intended. I do value your perspective on my music for many reasons, and I have been wanting to help.
Please take the time to answer this at least. It’s worth the time and I think you will benefit from it especially as you are making a big move and life decision.
ياكافر,
Letter 4 (she chose five):
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your honesty and am frankly surprised that you even thought I was worth the reply.
It is a confirmation of what I’ve suspected. It reinforces my opinion of women in general, my lack of value to them on any basis, and just have to continue dealing with it/them/you in a Christian context.
The phone conversation you refer to was necessary, just to get things out there. Some of it was things I felt were — even so long ago — just being guilty on my part and wanted to clear things up. You also said things that may not have been appropriate in the conversation, so please consider the purpose and the context. Any romantic notions or history aside, I tend to value friendships probably more than I should and invest in them greatly. This usually means being one-sided so woman or not, past or not, present or not, you’re not the only one. I probably should just stop maintaining relationships in general: as you point out, it’s not worth it and being casual keeps me from interjecting myself into people who would rather me leave them alone. This seems to include old college acquaintances and others who seem to have the same attitude you have toward me.
Suspecting your answer when I first brought up Pakistan, Natan and finally Flowers, I didn’t understand what all the fuss was about with Amal’s class. I was doing work in a Muslim country and you (not I) brought up your interest in Pakistani ministries on FB. If there is nothing on your end, and nothing on mine, then there was nothing there to preclude us from putting aside our own concerns and to further the kingdom, even if it does have us interact on occasion. As far as I’m concerned, then the girl I knew in the 80s died a long time ago (and after 22 years of silence, I wondered at times) and in 2015 I just “met” a woman who happened to go to the same college years ago and is involved in ministry. But I hear you.
Our acquaintance has been such that even since college I’ve never been worried about an illicit romantic entanglement, now more than ever, since I don’t think you’ve ever been interested in me. It can’t be an issue, even if it’s not symbiotic. My wife knows about you of course, but as far as she’s concerned you’re someone who was part of the same music clique in college, I took out a couple of times, wonders about your theology, and is a pastor in ministry now. You confirm there really has never, ever been anything else, correct? So I don’t understand why participation in “Flowers” would have made you feel awkward. I have treated you more as a sister in ministry than anything else, regardless of anything else in the past. There is nothing wrong with this: in fact, we are called to support single women, treating female peers as sisters. I am sorry if I misinterpreted scripture in your application: you’re the degreed Bible expert.
I’ve followed your situation since we reacquainted in ’15 (!). There were moments then where I am sure you were also inappropriate about expressing your marriage problems to me and I probably should not have lent you support in that regard for the same reason you mentioned in your email. While I’ve tried to be objective and non-judgmental because I don’t know all the circumstances or points of view, I’ve taken you at your word and I’ve seen the toll it has taken on you personally. I don’t want to be, and have done my best to avoid being, one more reason why you might hate men. The opposite is true, in fact, I wanted to be the reason to build your confidence in men, especially as it means Christian fidelity in the midst of helping you. I reiterate that I was glad to help you. Some people told me that I’m easily taken advantage of in this regard, but the bright side is that it makes me feel valued in some way, that anyone might think I’m worth asking. I’d like you to appreciate the fact that I valued you in spite of 22 years of complete silence between us. Maybe that’s what you mean by “involve” myself in your life: I just wonder how it’s going and like to correspond with people.
Finally, if you translated my sign off, please be assured that it is an expression that can have a wide variety of applications and implications in the Arabic culture and is an appropriate send off between friends.
Letter 5 spring 2021
This email is because I promised to help you relocate. This is all I can think of. I hope it helps.
For whatever reason you want, I’ve been just hesitant to just break things off completely. I have always hoped the best out of any situation and I am very energetic in developing them (why would I still be writing music?), much less relationships and there are times I should just throw in the towel. The last two emails should make it clear where we are. I am really embarrassed about everything. I can’t believe I put myself out there and you can bet it won’t happen again, with anyone. I am really sorry to have been a pain and you have enough issues without my adding to them. That was never my intent. You’ll notice my recent emails have all been innocuous: music and things. A single reply might have nipped that in the bud, btw. Anyway, I already said all of this: just want to emphasize that I am more innocent in this than you give me credit for.
I know you have dozens of family, friends and even “fans,” for your practical and emotional support. I recognize my input is not really needed, much less wanted. So here are some resources and thoughts for your move. You can do with them what you wish. If you have questions you can ask someone else. Whatever I don’t say, others will fill in, but these are practical:
(Follows some specific International advice that I had promised)
Then:
If you get into trouble and have no one else to turn to you are allowed to call me. You have enough of a fan-base that I probably won’t happen but it would be very un-Christian to not offer. I am sure it won’t come to that.
That’s all I can think of. I hope it helps. I hope you don’t hold any of this against me. I’d hate going into “that good night,” knowing you resented my intrusion into your life.
Best regards,
If you get into trouble and have no one else to turn to you are allowed to call me. You have enough of a fan-base that I probably won’t happen but it would be very un-Christian to not offer. I am sure it won’t come to that.
That’s all I can think of. I hope it helps. I hope you don’t hold any of this against me. I’d hate going into “that good night,” knowing you resented my intrusion into your life.
Best regards,
6:
If you’re ever interested in my music, you have my website. KCS is also on FB. Feedback comments are available on the website.
Best regards,
7:
Sorry. One last loose end.
I put you on the list for our newsletter strictly because you got the first one and were in ministry. You can write back to —————-. from which it comes and tell her (my mother-in-law) that it was a mistake. If you don’t want to do that, you can right-click on her email and select “junk” (I think it works on PC’s as well as Mac). You can do the same for mine. You might have my kiwibird email as well as my university email. From that point, all the email should automatically be filtered out so you never receive them.
Dec 2022
دنيس
It took me a long time to send this. But although I’m sensitive to others’ feelings, I’m no coward, so here you go. Read the whole thing. You may be entertained and you will probably laugh at me, and you may be indignant. I don’t expect you to be angry for reasons outlined below. You certainly won’t be sad. You may be reflective. I pray it’s the latter.
First, there are moments that I am venting after considering your last email last year. I acknowledge that. I thought about redacting that part but you may not take me seriously otherwise. No one likes to consider how wrong a decision they made so many years ago including me and you as well. It rankles.
Second, I’ve already apologized in detail for anything I’ve done that hasn’t been the best for you from me. I don’t think I need to do so again nor I suspect would it do any good if I did.
Third, I acknowledge with humility that there are things I myself need to work through with fear and trembling as it were esp in my attitude toward women. On the other hand it makes it so I have no temptation to infidelity for reasons stated below. No woman, least of all you, need worry that I have an illicit relationship with her and don’t worry, hahaha, I’m not remotely gay.
Fourth, it may seem an overreaction after 40 years. It is not 40 years of resentment: don’t make that mistake. This last issue with your complaining that I’m inserting myself into your life combined with this last thing with PGM and Natan just brought to the forefront a lot of annoyance: my giving and being treated as less than nothing. So rather than just reinforce it, I’m dealing with it once and for all. I’m not going to just let it sit there.
I am sure you don’t care one whit.
August 1, 2022
Remember these two things: first, you have to care to be hurt and you don’t care so you won’t be hurt. Second, you are receiving this because you contacted me first, or possibly because of some other vital situation you don’t need to know about. If nothing else it will relieve you that there is nothing on my part that might cause you to be pursued or stumble into an adulterous relationship.
The following may be considered by some to be hurtful. I doubt you’ll read it all even if you’ve read it this far. You might “feel bad” and God forbid I should say anything that might make you reflect. I challenge you to do so and take it seriously. But it just is what it is, unvarnished. More to the point, once again you have to care to be hurt by what anybody says and your comments made it clear that you’ve never cared for me in any way much less cared what I have to say, so I’m not too worried about hurting your feelings. It seems to be more important to you to be emotionally satisfied: something you’ve never believed I was capable of fulfilling so here we are. Your lack of emotion and care toward me, except where it benefited you, justifies my bluntness. If we’re going by the past you’ll just blow me off anyway as you’ve always done no matter what benefits it might have.
Now that we’ve established your apathy we can move forward. You have been apathetic in the truest sense of the term and maybe that made it worse for me. Resentment toward me maybe? I doubt it. That would be an emotion. Your reactive email, the last one you sent, was probably the most emotion you’ve ever shown me simply because you seemed angry toward me. Check that: on our first phone call we had 9 or so years ago you actually sounded glad to talk to me.
Surely you made it clear that I shouldn’t have inserted myself into your life on any basis, ever. Apparently not even in Wenatchee. Apparently not even as a Christian brother. I’m sure I’m not holy enough for you. I only tried to be a friend and that’s all and clearly you rejected even that. So trust me, unless I am completely wrong and you remotely want to reconcile, this is just a way to let you know the way you come off to many people, if not to this degree.
That might explain my skepticism for your worry about me compromising my marriage or as you said “create conflict.” Did you figure I would run from my wife into the arms of any other woman, much less you? Get real! That shows a real issue with ego on your part to think you are the supreme temptation to a married man. There are references in the Bible that deal with that. There is no way I have or could ever live up to the expectations of either you or my wife. I was asked by an Arab friend if I wanted a second wife and I replied that one was enough. This might encourage you: You are a nonentity as far as my wife is concerned and she has no worry about any issues between you and me. She thinks so little of me that she doesn’t believe any woman could be interested in me so she figures there is no threat from you.
I am shocked by how many men dally in outside relationships. What stupid, stupid idiots. And you were so afraid of our communication looking so inappropriate! Little did you know that at the best, I knew that all women are the same and there was no reason to have an affair. Why do something stupid like having an affair with someone else who has every shortcoming that my wife might have? You’re all the same. No matter how nasty my wife gets, I have no doubt that you would be treating me in the same way if you were married to me, and in the same way would be so self righteous and judgmental and always figure a way to justify whatever action you took to belittle me as you tried to remake me into your own image. Why would I want to add extra problems by having an affair with you or anyone else like that? Like I said “Stupid!” Even if I deserve what she deals out, why subject myself to more of it from you or any other woman? This is probably why God decided you and I were never to be a thing: my wife seems to be able to deal with my ruining her life; maybe He knew you couldn’t?
Not one woman ever really wanted me, me for myself. None. I honestly don’t know why my wife married me. There is no altruism in women. I think that they are wired to be self-absorbed. Marriage articles say women like to be cherished and men like to be respected but that seems to me that women won’t respect men for any reason unless they just get to be admired, in the perfect way that they want. Then they have no respect for men because men sacrificed their self-respect to cater to their woman. They always wanted something out of me then were disappointed when they didn’t get it. Fool that I was, I thought you were interested a tiny, tiny bit and if I was patient you would respond toward me, and I wasted four years on that thought. Honestly, part of the reason I am writing this openly and honestly is that I finally came to the conclusion that I was an idiot and that I did waste my time, something I had a hard time admitting to until recently.
Others only wanted babies (hard to believe that any woman would want me at all I know but they only needed one requirement and I am one of the 50% of humankind who have it), or a mirror, or a houseboy/gardener/handyman/cook or entertainment or in your case even just wanted me to be added to a “harem” of men to stand around admiring them. You all wanted had some image that I couldn’t provide. My wife thought she could change me into that image but spent 25 years and failed. Yesterday she literally said I had had 25 years to improve myself and still failed.
August 15 2022 #10
To explain the last “insertion.” After we severed ties N—n accepted my original friend request a few months later. I thought it was informative only about him until I received a blast missions newsletter. I answered him asking him to drop me from the list in the interest of his maintaining good relationships with you because you’re a supporter and I didn’t want him to get caught in our estrangement. Asked who the person of conflict was and in my innocence I answered truthfully and limited my explanation with a dry understatement: “she doesn’t care too much for me.” He said “ooh ok ok so you know about her”. Soon after that he asked for money for the flooding. Our church contributed to the emergency but it wasn’t to Natan’s project. When I began asking questions about specifics he dropped it then asked for money ostensibly to save an old man’s leg. I’d had a similar request in Africa and more or less got taken for some money. If you pass this on to him and at your word for it assume he is legit, here are some things to keep in mind when soliciting funds of any kind:
1. 1. • one big flag is medical. Don’t portray a medical emergency to a person who might have some medical knowledge and especially one who asks for more information.
2. 2. • Second, scam type requests are always time sensitive: ”we must have the money NOW or….?” Which is what he did, basically “give us money now or he will die.” So there is no time for reflection or investigation or research on the part of the giver;
3. 3. • It is always an emotional button to push. I have a friend who did commercials for a well-known hunger NGO and he told me some behind-the-scenes manipulation the producers did to make the viewer feel so bad that they would give.
4. 4. • don’t quote the doctors bill in USD or at least don’t do it in even numbers: it rarely will be even. Even assuming an even numbered bill in Pakistani rupees it won’t be converted to even USD. that’s a flag right there..
5. 5. • Finally, don’t pressure the “mark” into giving it only your way and certainly not a volatile bank transfer. That’s how someone almost got my daughter which is why I wouldn’t do it that way.
If you pressure someone to give immediately like that you may ruin the chance of having a long term donor.
Then I asked for some vetting and of all things he sent me straight to your web site. I hadn’t seen it for months and then only once so didn’t recognize it. That’s why I asked the legit question and the PayPal. I didn’t know. I’m sorry to insert myself again in your life. That was sheer accident. I actually thought it was a separate site unrelated to you. I noticed you didn’t sign off on your answer and so I got a clue. I found the link and sent the money via PayPal because, distasteful as it had become, I follow through when I promise. Then I told him I felt manipulated (actually “played”) and to never contact me again. I only sent the money because I superficially knew you and therefore I hoped at least that you wouldn’t lie bald-faced over financial matters and because I had promised him I would send something..
I notice you were perfectly happy to take my money without acknowledging receipt. You showed no concern that I had felt manipulated, assuming he had informed you of my message. It makes it clear that you have no regard for me at least and clearly that apathy/antipathy towards me overrides any generic positive relationship you might have with your donors. Take note: donors like to have some note of thanks that are not ‘bot-generated when they donate or some acknowledgement that it was appreciated thank you very much. Form letters are easy to generate. Even better is if you inform them of how the money was used even if only for general operations. As I write this I wonder if I should just breach my policy for your betterment and send this to you now but I think you’ll ignore any advice I have to give as usual.
Yes I was played. This just proved my point. You either haven’t changed or you’re the most clueless person in the world.
Letter #11
“Happy” anniversary. It is exactly forty years since I started student teaching at Wenatchee high school. Probably end of October when you first stood out to me.
Just letting you know: I’ve severed all ties with Terry. I am in touch with the Anderson’s because they are good friends with me and the rest of my family and I will not sacrifice that relationship for your sensitivity of knowing I exist. I would rather you have the option to stay in touch with our old group to the extent that you wish than that I would be the cause of any schism by inadvertently “inserting” myself into your life. They know how to get hold of me if need be. I’m not changing my emails at your whim on the risk that it’ll offend you or make you afraid that I’ll somehow contact you. I cannot prevent you from accessing my Kiwibird website if it’s still up at this point but according to you the problem is me harassing you not the other way around.
I have erased all emails from or to you so up until this point there is no memory of your email address in my mind or my computer. I have erased your phone number and other contact. I unfriended your mother months ago so I have no way of knowing your infrequent updates and I dropped you on Instagram. I have wiped my computer and cloud storage completely of any reference or contact information. My drives do not have any information any longer that I can access. I will need to erase all reference of you from those drives in my physical storage but cannot access them at this time from the UAE. I have unfriended you and others from WHS and EWU FB on the off chance that your name gets dropped or have a connection. I have erased all Messenger, WhatsApp and texting information from my computer and cloud accounts that refer to you and no longer have access to them. Bottom line is there is virtually no way I can get in touch with you now. You may block me on FB if you wish. This was sent via messenger or Linked in knowing I was probably blocked anyway. But it’s at least out there.
I dare say you are glad to be finally and completely rid of me in the 40 years since high school. You probably enjoyed the flattery of being taken notice of by a student teacher and college student. But you could have just not answered my letters, not had dinner with me even once, avoided me more in the Clique, not go skiing with me or even after college not counseled at the camp for the last time seeing me. Why prolong an awkward thing, as you called it? Unless of course, you were playing games and just wanted to have fun at my literal and figurative expense while the going was good.
That last amazes me if you had no friendship toward me as you said in that letter. It must take some special kind of suppression to get to that point. I mean, what drove you to drive all the way to Oregon that time to go skiing with lil ol’ me? Nothing better to do? I remember going to the effort of driving hours (including chaining up over the passes) to your town, sleeping in my car and sitting in the rain just to time the purchase of a dozen red roses (which I had no money to justify buying), driving up to your house on Ridge to present you with the flowers. You seemed to like seeing me (??) and invited me in. Do you even remember this or was it a blurred moment amongst dozens of other admirers? But you didn’t ask any questions beyond small talk that I remember and you made it awkward enough that I soon left. Anyone being simply polite at minimum would have asked me where I was staying or when I was heading back or if I would like to crash on the couch before leaving for home. I should have figured right then and there what a monumental failure that romantic effort was among all the other romantic failures of my life and where my position was with you and to cut my losses and run. You probably threw the roses into the trash the moment I started my car. You might have had to explain it to your family.
I’ve never been good at being romantic. Even now I try and my wife always finds something wrong with my attempts. I gave her flowers in her office a bit ago while she was at a meeting. She thought it was from an office mate whom we had supported during surgery. It never entered her mind it might have been me until I asked her. Same with you. When I showed up at EWU — twice — you never considered that the sports articles I was writing was the excuse and selling them to a newspaper was the only way to pay for gas in order to see you. If you did, it only played to your vanity. The only reason I did the story was because the playoffs were in Spokane. And that I was willing to drive six hours in the winter one way just to see you. Unless again you were just trying to see how much you could get out of me (I know I paid for dinner both times) before you got tired of me and hoped I would leave because my presence was “awkward.”
If that’s what being romantic is, I would say I was pretty dedicated even if I wasn’t clever. I have never known and still don’t know how to do it “right.” I’m sorry I wasn’t romantic enough, good looking enough, charismatic enough, rich enough, athletic enough, mysterious enough, powerful enough, skinny enough, clean enough, high caste enough, seductive enough, cool enough or “bad boy” enough to interest you. Or holy enough. Apparently I was talented enough because the only time you thought it was worth contacting me on your own was to ask me to play at your wedding. I couldn’t believe you were so cold hearted to do that to me when you knew how I had felt about you. At the time, I was walking away from you, since you had made your choice. Like I said: mercenary even when it was only platonic and I am justified in feeling used, this last incident with you and N—— proving the point. You got your money. And all I was trying to do was support the gospel even after you rejected me as a friend. No good deed goes unpunished I guess.
When I was first attracted to you, I believed I saw a quality woman whose friendship would be mutually beneficial. I still believe that it could have happened. But honestly, I suspect that you were too wrapped up in yourself from the beginning. I am to blame as well: if I had called you out on your actions more tactfully than I did when I got to Eastern (and btw yes Eastern got to be on my radar because I knew you went there but I wanted rather to go to Wyoming. I’d never heard of it before you, Jim and Kim went there. EWU offered me a full ride which I couldn’t turn down; Wyoming didn’t offer one); if I had been man enough to actively woo you instead of waiting for you to “come around” (I didn’t want to destroy what I perceived was a good thing by blundering in and scaring you off); if I had thrown my caution, my sense of justice, manners and fair play, and my shyness out even as late as when you served at camp, maybe even if I had just encouraged you in your spiritual walk, I might have made a positive difference in your life whether we got together or not. I truly am regretful that I didn’t recognize your spiritual naïveté and did nothing to help you. So for that I am not placing all of the blame on you and the only thing in my defense is that in your worldview I had had no little impact on you except for my “inserting” into your life. Your freshman year really impacted you and By the time I got there you had already changed for the worst. Not that my absence had anything to with that but it didn’t help at least our (imaginary) relationship. You made that clear enough. Considering your lack of interest and having no feelings for me I am not sure that you would have listened to anything I had to say when it comes down to it. You certainly didn’t in the few times I did say something. You just got defensive if I actually said something worth considering.
Even though I have always tried to believe the best of people, it didn’t take me long to figure out in college that you had a mercenary mindset and it is equally clear that you haven’t changed regardless of what has happened in your life and I am well aware you’ve had some trauma. But that doesn’t change the fundamental character. When you got engaged to Gregg one of our classmates said “they deserve each other.” Then when you said he was clinically narcissistic and that justified your divorcing him I considered that if both of you were that way it explained a lot. But then again I should not have made a judgment from appearances instead of knowledge.
Your self righteousness clearly stems from the convenience of an Arminian theology (or maybe you liked Arminian theology because you were already emotionally driven): after all, if you believe in a legalistic Religion then it makes you feel good — if somewhat Pharisaical — about yourself when you are so much more righteous than others in living and can convince yourself that it is so. I am too aware of my shortcomings to be entirely Arminian and must, MUST rely on Gods grace on an ongoing basis. This is simply because I can’t measure up to my wife’s, yours or my friends’ standards; who’s to say I would ever have a chance to measure up to God’s whose standards are literally infinitely higher? It is easy to have a Holiness mindset for its own sake but after living in a Muslim country and becoming aware of the despair they have in a legalistic religion, how am I supposed to do that in Christianity that’s supposed to be about grace and God’s reaching to us “while we were yet sinners?” Even after accepting Christ we need to accept responsibility for our own actions. See I Cor 3:10. Otherwise we limit God’s eternal grace which is truly blasphemy.
Be careful about your ministry to Muslims. Unless you consider Pentacostalism’s bent toward emotion and legalism in a proper light then you would be asking Muslims to trade one set of rules for another. The result would be Sufism with a Christian name to it.
If we were righteous (eg friends with God) to begin with there would be no need for the Cross. To limit His Grace to apply only to the past blasphemes the eternal nature of His omnipotence and places the believer once again under the Law. And Paul was clear in Romans and Galatians what he thought of those who tried to tie circumcision (et al) to salvation and the work of the Cross. Philippians and Romans and Hebrews all make it clear that we are not yet perfect until Christ returns to bring His salvation for our fulfillment. I am saddened to think you listened to that Brother Jed and Sister Cindy yelling that went around Eastern. Yes. They left a lasting memory for me and not a good one. I am not sure malicious and self righteous bullying is the most effective or theological way to win souls any more than emotional hyping to drive people to the altar is (“but God makes it grow”; Jesus Himself said no one knew where the Holy Spirit bestows life next, but it is He alone who brings people to Christ.) I am glad you became a Christian at that time but am concerned that you fell into the same heresy that Paul railed on the Galatians 2000 years ago. Again, you’re going to have to make some adjustments if you’re going to minister to Pakistanis, otherwise they are just changing one set of rules for another.
This is clear in your quest for women leadership and empowerment in the church. I saw your conversation on FB after women were denied bishopric in the COG. The thread was all about resentment against men, women empowerment (usually another name for male subjugation) all done with self-righteous indignation. But I saw nothing of servanthood. From anyone who posted. The women leaders in the Bible were servants and God-fearing first and as such had no need for artificial female “empowerment” and self affirmation is not servanthood. Their deeds spoke for them.
Militant feminism has infected the church. And then people like you wonder about the resurgence of porn, gaming, homosexuality, women haters, divorce and simply those men who drink or check out and leave. Men crave admiration and not from some bubble headed bimbo who hasn’t a clue, but true admiration for themselves and not simply as a provider of…whatever. They like to know that their woman knows that he cherishes her and men don’t like to be told that their romantic efforts, servanthood and work are flawed so they won’t be accepted unless they are “perfect.” (Do you have any idea how discouraging that is? Probably not.) And then women like you blame these men by saying they’re weak and dirty and filthy sinners looking with contempt upon them and puffing yourselves up in your pharisaical self righteousness as you parade around holding up the placards shouting women empowerment. I am sorry for you. It is the world that you’ve created and I hope you’re happy in it.
You want the hero but you resent it when he is one and you’d rather it be another woman. Or have you not seen what has come out of Hollywood lately? It portrays men as stupid, bumbling, inept, disgusting, targets to be made fun of and women the heroines (or should I say the “heroes”) who have to rescue men and the world. Do you see how many women are in government? Do you know how many women are selected over men and constitute a huge percentage of professorships? Do you know that I was told – by a woman administrator and to my face – that I didn’t get a professorship: a woman got the job strictly because “they didn’t want a white man?”
What women like you want is an Amazon society where men are drones. You want a controllable man, one who is malleable, one that is willing to anticipate to do anything you want or even think of, be able to passively take the abuse like a puppy to be kicked: all this and still be physically good looking. Then in your vague feeling of guilt somehow you pay lip service to Ephesians 6 and say you want him to be manly and dependable and to make decisions and think on his own? You can’t have both.
Many men have decided to turn their backs on women. Why? It is quite simple. When men are told they are the problem, the greatest problem and the greatest deterrent to women ascending to where they felt they were meant to be — be it couple, family or work related — women shouldn’t be surprised when men finally understand that their presence is untenable and in response to that abuse they make the decision that their absence can only improve things. So they leave. And contrarily if they don’t leave it’s because they don’t have the bravery to do it according to the feminists. So the feminists are self righteous because the men don’t have the righteousness to stay and they have contempt because men are cowards when they won’t “do the right thing” and leave. What is one to do? Just suck it up and take it in the name of a Christian cowardice, I guess.
I know what type of man your next husband will be. A malleable and controllable boy-toy. I’ve seen it before in my stepfather and my aunt’s second and third husbands.
I am sure this makes you feel righteous and oh-so-holy by alienating me since you care far more the surface righteousness of your actions than any harm you might do to others or their relationships with you. You have shown that in the past to others even though I never mentioned that I knew of them and proffered grace to you instead. I was serious when I said I wouldn’t put myself out there for anyone, anymore.
This includes my wife by the way. Anything I do for her eventually comes up short and our arguments are always based on my failures or her self justification. You helped me form my understanding of women and she furthered that education, then you completed it. And yes there are times that I hate women in general and you can take the honor of being 40% of the cause of that because you were there first. My wife gets her 40% just to put it in perspective and you may have heard from A—— how she treats me. And A—— didn’t see the worst of it!
My wife has said and thinks I’m stupid, slow, and a disgusting slob. And I ruined her life by marrying her although she’ll deny she ever said that if I call her on it. She doesn’t like to hear her own faithfully-quoted words in my mouth because she says I’m twisting them. I ask her if there’s anything she likes about me and she can’t come up with one thing! Then she blames me for pressuring her and starting an argument. I dare say you thought that in college and now especially. So I guess there is nothing redeeming about me in general much less anything any woman would ever want esp my wife and you who are perfect and righteous and holy and can’t dirty your holy lives with my filthy presence in it. I’m virtually unlikeable much less lovable. So back to the grace thing. You, and other women and my wife make it very clear that only God has the unlimited grace to help me much more accept me. You two and frankly other women whom I’ve related to more than superficially sure don’t. It is always conditional. You can understand then my antipathy toward women and frankly this is the reaping that your brand of self-righteous feminism is sowing. Part of the reason I don’t feel guilty writing this is that I’ve been convinced by you feminists that I’m pretty worthless so I have nothing to lose anymore. I never had anything to lose in our relationship of any kind because you told me we never had one much less now.
If you are right as a feminist then I as a man am inherently worthless except as a sperm donor. And I’ve had vasectomy surgery so I’m not even worth that. And that’ll change once women scientists figure out to have babies without us. But if men have worth then you need to reassess your brand of feminism.
So. There we are. Why do I say “mercenary?” Well, most recently, consider the hours I spent helping you with your resume and career for a starter and listened to you vent your marriage woes only to be told when you were done using me that I had “inserted” myself Into your life and weren’t a friend and how you wished to have nothing to do with me. What other term would you use? I thought I deserved some updating given my altruistic help into your career. That would constitute the bulk of why I “inserted” myself into you life. “Inserted” I guess you’d consider it unless I’m bringing money with me.
I think you’re in ministry because you feel guilty for having such a need for self-affirmation. If you are narcissistic then you’re “obeying” your Christian duty and think you are doing something that makes you feel altruistic. But I wonder: would you still do it if there wasn’t a career income from it, or if it didn’t made you feel good or didn’t ease your sense of guilt? The downside is then you’re doing it for self-righteous purposes and it feeds into the narcissism again. It basically just gives you an emotional charge.
Have a good life. I’m sure after this you’ll never want to hear from me again even were I capable of receiving your vitriol and you’ll do your best to forget everything I just said because God forbid, it might make you consider things, not the least how you come off to other people. You started the burning of this bridge and I haven’t finished burning this bridge so much as nuked it. Of course if I’m dead when or even if you get around to reading this then you don’t have to worry about it. Not that the bridge was built of anything substantial so you won’t need to worry about my “inserting” myself into your life ever again. I will be easily forgotten I am sure.
As I said. You have to care to be offended and you clearly never have cared about or for me so what is there to offend? Even if you are “offended” I’m sure you’ll blow me off like anyone else who isn’t in your immediate line of sight or plans or interest as you’ve always done. Maybe you’ll take some things to heart after reading this in context. Certainly writing it down has helped codify some things I personally need to work on and I hope you get to that point where you can too and work out your own suppressed bitterness against men.
Take this into consideration for the sake of your next marriage and any ministry you are hoping to do. If you still think your Arminian/Holiness viewpoint — that if you are truly a Christian, then you are perfectly sinless from that point of confession in time on — then you don’t resent me, resent Gregg, or men in general. If that is the case, you might want to see how you come off on FB and to other people. If Arminianism is true then I guess I am damned to hell beyond the grace of God, for I struggle all the time. Nice to know one of the two of us will “make it” into heaven.
In closing, just consider this: If God calls you to minister actually in Pakistan or to Pakistanis in the Middle East, can you put away your self-righteous feminism long enough to wear an abeya and hajib so you can work within the culture? So that you can minister to women? Even the expat Muslim women here won’t take an outside woman seriously unless she covers outside the home and in the presence of men within their context. That will take some humility on your part and your feminism will have to be more insidious.
Last night I volunteered to drive a Pakistani family for 3 hours to and from the airport so their son can have an education abroad. Does that count for “ministry to Pakistanis” in your world? Is that a mark in the “plus” column so that I’m closer to being righteous and maybe get into heaven according to your worldview?
I have considered referring Kanad to you because they could really use your experience and skills in ministry to young women, but it depends on whether your passion is your PhD with self-righteous lectures on feminism, or ministry to women who can really use it. There may be an opening here when the chaplain’s assistant leaves to minister to Nepalese in the Himalayas and you would do well in it, I think. Kanad is a hospital that primarily caters to, and historically is known for, ministry and health to women, babies/birthing and families in that order. There is a great story behind that, that you, I think, would really enjoy hearing. The patients are almost all Muslim, Emiratis and Pakistanis, stuck in the confines of their culture and religion as well as being scared to death of being a new mom/dad/family. We have a strong “visitation” woman’s ministry here. The person I knew at WHS and the first year at EWU would do it in a heartbeat. But would you?
I will not be here. You and my wife might actually get along pretty well, with the same set of values and the same contempt for men.
I will be past receiving your hate mail. You at least are still alive and still may be able to salvage a decent marriage with your next husband if you take some of this to heart. Or just throw it in the trash. Whatever.
Ballard
February 2024
I can’t say that I haven’t missed you. But I’ve missed you in that vague abstract way for the last forty years. I liked to talk to you. I know you’re out there and I feel your ambivalence even 8000 miles away. If I was right then you don’t have a passing thought for me. I am often melancholy these days and sometimes just downright depressed. It’s not the Islamic oppression only: that is rough enough. it’s actually from Christians that’s making our lives hard.
Am I really that much of a jerk? I may have told you that I had a neighbor call me an a—hole over his children’s toys (they were left in the street after midnight). But he couldn’t tell me why when I pressed him on it. Do I have to put you in that category too? Am I really that nasty of a person? I suppose you think me that way after my above letters but again do you even care enough to be hurt much less hate me?
I could be dying and you might have a passing twinge but only because you’re a chaplain doing hospice and you’re paid to soothe emotional stress. It’s all part of the job.
Guess I have to admit I still have feelings for you. But what that means can mean sentimentality over what could have been, regret for not managing things the proper way to a full blown “keep away from me lest I fall” old flame. I have to remember that there is no “other.” But I don’t know.
It seems like I may have been incorrect in a few things. Maybe you did love me and your pride won’t let you admit it especially when I came acro. How deep that went I may never know. Maybe in our phone conversation you were crying not laughing at me. How was I to know? You certainly made some sort of sniffling noise on the other side but I could be wrong. Maybe you just had an allergy or something. If you were emotionally moved and I was wrong in my ultimatum then it would explain why your answering email was so overreactive.
The happy voice and engagement in when we first talked on the phone released in me a garrulousness that I never expected from you. It was a longer and deeper conversation than we had ever had.
I have to admit a couple of things. My Light Princess finale was written for you. It wasn’t the blue eyes of the graphic novel character that made me entitle it “Lovely girl with the blue eyes”. It was you. Whatever drove you to consult your daughter to interpret it from the Spanish? Why did you have to do that? Couldn’t you leave well enough alone? Couldn’t you have just accepted it as what you expected? Why bring it forth? I’m not the first composer in the world to write something he could not express any other way: even Beethoven had his “Immortal Beloved” whom musicologists have been trying to identify for decades. If you were so afraid of an illicit relationship, why couldn’t you have just let it go? The Elegy (Five Stages of Grief) was written for you too. Its wistful beginning and ending bespoke of my inner awareness that I had sealed you off forever as if you were dead. The quirky turmoil of the second passage reflected my torment in regret in the truest way of the five stages. And the fourth movement was a passive and reluctant acceptance of the choices I made. And yes the movement with anger is real, bottled up though it may be. And the ending with the duet of piano and flute makes clear where we are and the desolation through which I have to move on as the flute fades and the piano has the last notes.
Last September Dl—— asked me if I had heard from you and what I thought about you. You should be proud of me if you ever cared at all. I kept it simple and civil and did not vent. I said you were a narcissistic, self-righteous mercenary. Which I still think is true and it makes me sad. Dl ——knows how I feel; I think his wife A—- feels that I’ve been mistreated by you, my wife and women in general. I did not prompt that. It was her observation that I was a nice guy and deserved better. Dl—— just thinks I need to stand up for myself and be almost abusive. Well, I did with you. Easier than my wife since I don’t live with you 😆!
T—— ghosted me. Either he is hypersensitive and was upset since I didn’t connect with him last September in CDA or you showed him or told him about my manifesto which is what I suspect. So just like with your ex, you are playing the victim and will not take any responsibility for anything I write which might be true. You probably told him I was narcissistic ha-ha😂! If you showed him the letters, then I think less of you since it was clearly personal and meant for you only. On the other hand you did exactly the same thing in college, so why should I expect any different? In that case it is totally my fault: “fool me once shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” Still, it’s a bit vindictive like the proverbial “woman scorned” and really petty. Women have a rep for being spiteful to their own: how much more to men and so much more you to me if you cared at all?
I think it’s a good thing I cut you off as painful as it was and still is. The completeness ensured one last temptation was completely removed. At least my melancholy about you is healthy and only a memory and not a spiritual stumbling block. I have a couple others I wrestle with and living in a place that has such spiritual darkness and challenges, they’re enough. I don’t need more. If you were open to communication much less reconciliation on the other end it would be difficult at best and at worst a temptation to emotional adultery. By cutting you off completely there is no ongoing temptation. I made it so that I don’t even have a choice in the matter.
It still bothers me if you never had any inclination toward me, ever. I got some really good music inspired no doubt at least in my view. And you being there kept me from making some other, relational mistakes. At the same time, there were a couple of women that might have been really good for me and me for them were you not in the back of my mind. But that’s my issue. God forbid I add fuel to your narcissistic bent: it was my concern and view not yours.
It might be interesting to note that I visited my old pastor and his wife in Seattle about fifteen years ago. I had been interested in his daughter after EWU (you left nothing for me once you married G—— against your better judgment as you said). This was fifteen years later: long after she had divorced her abusive husband whom she married after rejecting me just as a boyfriend (in retrospect I’m glad it didn’t happen: she was more stuck on herself than you. seriously). Like you, she had banked on her good looks and her talents and charms and married him for his suavity. Her parents called to tell her I was around and to come by and visit but she was “too tired from work.” It had little to do with being too tired to make the effort to see me and I was not offended for I realized that she didn’t want me to see her “old and fat” as she might have seen herself. It is interesting and really sad that neither of you have ever considered that I thought that while physical attractiveness was nice, it was what you showed through it, maybe even in spite of some physical things. I would have been happy to see her again even though we had never been romantic. Kind of sad that that’s how she (and you) think I valued you: only on your looks. With you I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted you at the camp years ago. You said something about sex but it was just that I wanted ALL of you, the whole person, spiritual, mental, your aesthetic talent your values as well as the physical. Even now I’ve seen pictures and yes you’re older but I’ve loved all your quirks. They are the attractive things for me.
I remember a shy smile because your teeth weren’t perfect. I loved that smile. Given the tradeoff for a perfect smile and the vanity to go with it, I’d rather have the less-than-perfect smile because it was unique and cute in its way. Same thing happened to your eyes when you got to college. For some reason you decided you had to put a lot of make up on them. Maybe because someone said they were pretty and makeup would help? My point is, I always thought they were beautiful and when I saw you in your freshman year with the makeup on I thought how sad it was and how it took away from your natural look that had attracted me so much.
So if you want physical attractiveness I liked your eyes, your voice, your smile, your petite figure, the shape of your nose and your hair. It’s sad that you had such a low opinion of yourself that you thought they needed improvement. Did you do it because you were vain or did you become vain as you did it through lack of self-confidence? It is a type of anorexia in a different way.
Is it because you didn’t feel good enough? I have a hard time believing that you weren’t asked out a lot in high school and felt you needed to somehow improve yourself to be accepted? Having daughters has helped me out that in perspective. I am glad to say they don’t normally use much makeup and mostly got past the high school phase where the fun was putting it on. I wish you had gotten to that point. I have told them all their lives that if you’re beautiful then you don’t need makeup (however that manifests itself). Maybe we would have been different. Maybe you would have had a much healthier romantic life with or without me. Maybe you would have seen your spiritual situation more accurately and saw the need for Christ as a salvation thing instead of an emotional salve that requires ongoing perfection before we are made perfect. It really makes me sad.
I think that’s why men bulk up. I know it’s why I did. Thoughts run through my head: “My wife will like me if I only…””Maybe she’ll like me if I’m more like the muscle bound models in the magazines” “Maybe she’d like me if I were fastidious to foppishness”. While I have enjoyed much of it, I only run and lift weights because when I’m at the top of my game, it makes me feel better about a part of me that has had and maybe deserves the most criticism. I have to say it’s kept me more fit and healthy than many of my colleagues my age. But even that’s a form of addiction and narcissism. We all emphasize what we get the accolades for (however minimal or misguided) and I include myself. There are few physical traits worth looking at that I have and of course, I tend to exercise to make those better, such as they are.
That’s the negative side: “Lori doesn’t like me and Denise never liked me because I’m fat, blab too much, socially stupid, clueless, myopic, absentminded professor, flaky artist, unromantic…”. No wonder.
I admit that much of my infatuation with you had to do with an idealistic hope in a female counterpart, something we both know you could never attain, any more than I could for you, being flawed humans and all. Maybe part of the problem is that you also never thought I could attain that high expectation you wanted in your future husband. I suspect that what you called narcissism in Greg had a lot to do with that: he wouldn’t kowtow to your attempt to try to make him into your perfect husband. Like my wife, you saw any pushback as a symptom of being self-indulgent and starting an argument. If it’s anything like my marriage then he resisted, you complained, he resisted more and you nagged more until he finally resented your attempts to control him and just wanted you to leave him alone.
But here I go down a ragging path I didn’t intend. I just think it’s sad that both of our expectations and hopes were so humanly based. There is a joke: “A man wants a woman to stay the same and she changes; a woman wants her man to change and he stays the same.” There is some truth to that. You changed under my nose when you graduated HS and I couldn’t even watch it happening, except for the short times we were together. And I didn’t see it until I showed up at Eastern the next year and wow, there you were, a worldly woman, playing the Game.
Btw, if you ever see this or read my books, yes Henry has some of me in him, and Sidnee has a lot of you. I took our history and some of yours, some of mine and some other things I conjectured to make a believable character and situation. As with most novelists, backgrounds, characters and events are amalgams of personal experience. I have to say that with such a perceived root, it has been pretty heartfelt and realistic. We shall see when these next two are finally released. I will have Jan send you an email where you can read it. The first book didn’t have a woman in it. These two center around her haha! Either what I’ve written above is true and you’ll have to admit to that, or it is not and I have made up everything for the sake of my books. You were just a starting point. As is Henry: I might consider Henry the man I would have hoped to be except i hope I’m not so resistant to you as Henry is to Sidnee. And you are not as messed up as Sid or so I hope. At this time, they are ready to be published but have not been released yet. It might be interesting to note that “Sidnee” is an anagram for Denise, and is a legit 19th c. name.
Sometimes I wonder if you look up my website. I have a hidden message in there, in the ‘bio’ page. If you ever find it, you might like to know that the second movement of my second piano concerto was written for you. Do you remember you and Mike Lee, et al, reading through a chamber piece I’d written, “Suite for Flute, Harp and Four Strings?” Do you think it was just an accident that it was written for flute? Maybe you knew but kept to yourself because I just made it “awkward” as you said recently? So to continue: after the reading, I was supposed to go to the Lees where I was staying (I wished I could have just stayed with you of course). I guess I made some excuse (I don’t remember), but parked a block away from your house in the dumping snow and sat under a fir tree watching your house. What I was supposed to do, I don’t know, maybe knocked on the door and ask you to a dessert or something: it was just so frustrating being three hours away from my home and this time I was so close to you and not knowing what to do. So I get back to the car and found that someone had stolen my briefcase, with the only copies and parts of the Suite in it. Lost forever except for some sketches I had. So I took one of the sketches, which was the most significant in my opinion , and wrote “Complaint”. A “complaint” is a lament by a writer for an unresponsive or absent lover. Both fit in my case. I wonder to this day what everyone in the ensemble thought about me requesting you to play the flute. I’m sure I made some plausible excuse. But I wonder: what would have happened if I had asked you to come with me for a late night dessert. Or hang out for a while? I think I didn’t because you were still in high school and the way I grew up it wasn’t really done.
Speaking of “awkward,” there is a funny story I remember from Eastern. When I was invited to campus to check it out and to interview for the scholarship, I was taken into band rehearsal and you and Kim were sitting next to each other. I looked for and saw you in there. They were introducing me and I heard Kim say to you, “What is he doing here?” And you, with that frozen “I’m embarrassed but I will die before showing it” look on your face, gritted between your teeth: “I. Don’t. Know.” You had that “earth please swallow me up” look on your face. Kind of funny in its way but I should have clued in that you even then considered me an “awkward” intrusion. Most girls would be flattered but again, I guess I wasn’t good enough at anything to be in your radar. It’s interesting that Kim asked you, like you knew my movements; why wouldn’t I have been there? I literally was interviewing for the grad assistantship and my relationship with you had nothing to do with it.
Being shy has saved me from much, although it drives my wife crazy, since it is a real effort for me to initiate anything or be romantic. You (mostly) and others have really squelched the romantic in me even before I met my wife. As I said before: it’s never “correct,” or proper or does the trick or whatever whenever I try. It’s not even appreciated. After a while a guy just doesn’t want to make the effort, knowing that it will constantly be at worst a failure, and at best a condescending “how cute.” If you stick your hand through a fence and a dog bites it, it really makes you not want to put your hand in there ever again. Kind of interesting that my wife’s interest in me was when she had broken up with her boyfriend and was on the rebound and hiking, and mountain and rock climbing. That was our “romantic” and to her credit, hiking and exercise are still our “together” time.
I am glad you got a consistent job as a hospice chaplain. I had a colleague send a message a while back inviting you to work at the hospital here overseas. Considering, again, the emphasis on evangelism to locals, relationships to women and children, birthing and health education, and ministry to Arabs, not to mention single women’s support for the female expats in a multinational staff at the hospital: it’s everything you have mentioned that your heart is. I truly would be glad to leave if that’s the only thing keeping you from being here.
I truly thought I was leaving for a camping ministry position in the Rockies. I wasn’t lying when I told Jan to tell you that. It was perfect in so many ways but apparently God decided it wasn’t time or I was a good fit so it became a closed door. I wasn’t being disingenuous when I told Jan that I was leaving. That’s why it got sent. Jan never got a reply or acknowledgement from you, which was expected and fine with me, I guess. Just a bit surprised. You really need to learn how to answer emails professionally. This lack of ability was what started this whole estrangement in the first place. It’s easy to be bland. Here are some thoughts.
1. Since you are in a doctoral program you know how to make things sound “nice,” stylistically appropriate and even noncommittal. It is easy to say absolutely nothing in a long letter, much less a short email response.
2. Have a separate file that has a well-crafted form letter. Like “Thank you for your note. Your comment is being seriously considered. We appreciate the time you’ve taken to consider our ministry and your involvement or comments regarding it.” It sounds legit, on the surface, and we both know it’s all fluff but at least you’ve answered and been honest.
3. If you can’t do no. 2 above, or wish to send a personal answer, a couple of lines can make it sound personal without acknowledging any kind of opinion, commitment or agreement on it. Like in this situation (from what I gather): “Thank you, Jan, for your note regarding your hospital. Our ministry has taken us in a different direction than expected and will not be able to consider involvement at this time.” There: you’ve said everything and nothing at the same time. It is professional and non-expressive (which you like) and still conveys unequivocally your lack of interest, much less involvement.
4. This is not only professional, but avoids discouraging or sealing off potential donors from future interest or donations. For this reason, I personally would consider no. 3 above. Personal (√), professional (√), concise (√), unequivocal (√) and polite (√). Just a thought.
I’m considering putting this all up on a blog. Others need to see this. Don’t worry, no one will know that it is to or about you: just an open letter to an anonymous love interest. It is possible that men and women will get something positive from it.
One other thing. Did I scare you off? Some have said that and meant it in different ways, from physical to intellectual to even spiritual. It hasn’t been until quite recently that I have actually come to that conclusion. It’s funny in its way because I would never have thought it much less intended it.
It will also give me a way to keep a journal about my work here. It is hard to just do a journal: it is much easier to work on one if it is actually to someone or pretending someone you care about (which I still do, whether you know it or not, or hate me or not) is on the other end.
Spotify Journal
If you go to my Spotify account you might like to look at the playlist “History”. It’s mostly just to get me in the mood for writing the books about Henry and Sidnee but comes from what could be a poetic recounting of our non-relationships. Some are mood, some historical and some are literally true in one or more lines.
For instance, the first time I heard Pachelbel’s Canon was when the strings section of your orchestra played it at the Winter concert. You sat in your flute chair while they played that piece and I watched you the whole time. Funny thing, it didn’t become popular as a romantic piece until some years after that but I had adopted it from that time on.
I still think it’s weird that you and I each have two daughters: the eldest taller and slender with light brown hair and the youngest smaller and petite with dark brown hair. The youngest even both wore glasses.
Still
An old songs that kind of describes us from my perspective.
Lady, morning’s just a moment away
And I’m without you once again
You laughed at me
You said you never needed me
I wonder if you need me now
[Chorus]
We played the games that people play
We made mistakes along the way
Somehow I know deep in my heart
You needed me
Remembering the pain if I must say
It’s deep in my mind and locked away
But then most of all
I do love you
Still
[Verse 2]
Those memories
Times I’m sure we’ll never forget
Those feelings we can’t put aside
For what we had
Sometimes I try to understand
But it’s so heavy on my mind
So many dreams that flow away
So many words we didn’t say
Two people lost in a storm
Where did we go?
Where’d we go?
Lost what we both had found
You know we let each other down
But then most of all
I do love You
Still
We played the games that people play
We made our mistakes along the way
Somehow I know deep in my heart
You needed me
‘Cause I needed you so desperately!
We were too blind to see
But then most of all
I do love You
Still
An ending one thought was “What a Fool Believes”. Look up the lyrics and it paints a pretty complete if bleak picture of us. Sad.
He came from somewhere back in her long ago
The sentimental fool don’t see
Tryin’ hard to recreate
What had yet to be created once in her life
She musters a smile for his nostalgic tale
Never coming near what he wanted to say
Only to realize it never really was
She had a place in his life
He never made her think twice
As she rises to her apology
Anybody else would surely know
He’s watching her go
But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
And nothing at all keeps sending him…
Somewhere back in her long ago
Where he can still believe there’s a place in her life
Someday, somewhere, she will return
October 3 2024
Well now we’re adding another year. It’s been almost two years since I’ve communicated with you. Two and a half since I gave the ultimatum.
I keep getting confirmation that I was right about everything I said in my messages to you. I still would be shocked if you read any of them considering your narcissism and apathy but maybe you actually did. I don’t know what your mental state of mind is, maybe you would enjoy it like vicariously living through a Nicholas Sparks novel haha.
My wife was furious because I missed something doing the laundry but says I started the fight. As far as you’re concerned you might find it interesting that she used the same words you used with your ex, literally calling me narcissistic and selfish. 🤔 she’s too stubborn to divorce me for one thing and she weighs her vows more heavily against other reasons (maybe Gregg cheated on you so that makes it ok? I can’t think of anything else that would somehow justify divorce to a legalistic Christian like you). Anyway that’s another reason you don’t need to worry about me. I just find it interesting that you used those same words as a good reason for leaving him. Same as my mother who said she did it so my father could “get help.” Oh brother. So pardon me if I keep hearing the same arguments from all the women I know to justify their selfishness.
I see other parallels. My wife is just as mercenary as you so don’t feel like I’m singling (no pun intended) you out. She calls my music and writing “hobbies” and any related gear “toys.” She forgets that those “toys” were what enabled me to get a position that paid for her BSN.
Until it brings in money.
I had a symphony played and the royalties were $2000 USD and she got all excited and asked why I wasn’t writing more. Here in Arabia I have built up my teaching studio to twenty students that brings in as much as a full time medical assistant at the hospital. She likes that part.
But my books although they are published only brings in about twenty dollars a month so of course it is my “hobby”. It’s my fun entertainment that only benefits me so of course that makes me narcissistic. The music that I write is a hobby as are the hours of work I put in marketing it.
The only reason she tolerates my going to the gym every day (and she complains that she can’t because of work) is that she used to always nag me to stay in shape and how I always start to do what she wants for a couple of weeks and then gives up. But not this time. I’ve been working out for the last nine months at least six times a week. She says she worries about my health and dying someday but I really think she worries more about it inconveniencing her life than me myself. I suspect you’d be the same. No, I know you would. Somehow – and I don’t know for sure of course – you show sympathy to your hospice patients because you can distance yourself from them in the name of profession. If it were I for example, you’d just be annoyed at the hassle of making sure I was taken care of and then خالاتي you’re out of there.
There’s another parallel. When there’s a problem you want someone to fix it and when I do or at least try, both of you discount it. my wife is impatient and wants it fixed now so I’ll get yelled at. You don’t consider the effort I put in to help you. I remember one conversation we had when I was in SoCal where we had an argument regarding your pictures (which I notice you use, you’re welcome) or your resume. I don’t even remember what it was on but I do know that with both of you I have to fix it according to your idea or it doesn’t count.
So there is another category of what women value me for: the puppy that gets kicked when you come home from work. You dump your problems and vent at or on me without considering how I take it. I can’t do anything. I can’t just listen or I’m “not engaging” or I “don’t care”. I can’t say comforting nothings because I’m just “being condescending”. If I do engage then the response is always “you just don’t understand “. And I’m smart enough to know that the last thing a woman wants to hear is how to “fix it”. Maybe all women want to hear is a whimper from “the puppy”.
5 October
There is one thing that has really frightened me. Let me outline it for you.
The initial possibilities (unlikely but possible):
That you never read my letters
If you did you discounted them as something my wife made me write.
That you were more upset at my deprecating impressions about your feelings than anything else. (Did you really laugh in our last phone conversation?)
That you actually have latent or real feelings for me and the letters were vital in guaranteeing that we’d never see each other again
And here’s my fear
Somehow we meet
Somehow we desperately need each other
Somehow there is a lot of money and we could live on a ranch in a beautiful place (Stehekin or Chelan)
And all I’d have to do is reach out and accept it.
And I recognize that it’s of the devil, pretending to give me my desires thinking that they would take the place of real Christlike joy. It is the last of the three temptations of the Lord. To offer everything “if you only worship me”.
But I don’t accept it. For it is the Forbidden Fruit all over again. It is the Witch in Narnia climbing over the Wall and stealing the Fruit. It was the temptation of Digory knowing that his desire to heal his mother is not the pathway even though it might be altruistically the fulfillment through Christ alone as he thinks it.
So do not worry. I know where that path may lead. It is that while the letters might have been a knee jerk reaction (partly) to the way you treated me it was the only thing I could do to keep you from me and avoid the temptation. I know it will not happen. For one thing God said He would not tempt us beyond which we are able but would find a path to escape. Well everything I’ve written above to burn the bridge is the Pathway. I don’t think I would succumb but I don’t want to test it.
But the scariest part is I want it to be there. I want it to happen even though it tortures me now and cruelly should happen in its vicious temptations. I really really do. I believe so much of it though is simply the desire that you don’t really discount me and would like to reconcile. Honestly since you’ve gone two and a half years and haven’t tried means that it doesn’t bother you like it bothers me. You’ve forgotten me even if you did or did not read anything I sent.
Although I want it to happen, it would be the most severe test – a true crucible as I once told you – and I would still have to refuse.
I may be frustrated because I think of the things I could have done and what might have happen. I still pray for you. I still miss you and I’m afraid that I still love you. But only as a memory and only inside a broken heart like so many other hearts you stomped on and tossed aside. It was such that its latent dregs still annoy me.
Honestly? You had no idea what devotion you really had in me. I can think of several of your dates or even boyfriends in college who were only so much sweet icing while I was the whole cake. But you just wanted to dip your finger in the icing to taste its sweetness. You didn’t want to cut the cake much less eat a bite much less finish the whole thing. Even your ex, from what you told me, cut the cake for you and put the forkful in your mouth under your protests and then it took thirty years before you found out how bitter the cake was under its sweet icing.
I was the real deal if you’d only ever given me the chance.
It is best that I remember you as such. If you are truly the spiteful nasty mercenary that I think you deep down inside then it is easier to discount you and to know that I’m not missing out on something that I desire but have to reject. To do otherwise would make rejection extremely difficult.
I leave this feeling like Frodo in his October pain. He was injured by the Ringwraiths and it came back each October as does my memories of the fall of ‘82. I even wrote about it once in a journal, which I threw out when I got married. It is the constant return to fall that reminded me and continues to do so. The leaves of eastern Washington and Colorado, crisp mornings and frost giving away to afternoon sun, the music I listened to. It just reminds me of Wenatchee and EWU and your letters which I threw away at the same time. I wonder if you kept any of mine. I don’t see why you would any more than I did.
I can honestly say that my temptations are related. Two are to suppress the third. And the third is wishing for you which I know is wrong and so go to the other two.
All of those rotate. I hate myself for them but at the same time I feel like they as vices make me unlovable and in a strange way justifies your and my wife’s treatment of me. Why else would you treat me – actively or passively- like you do if there wasn’t some sort of justice for it? I can accept being treated badly if I deserve it. If I fulfilled all your desires for me and you still treat me the way you do then it makes no sense for you two to ream me out and I would resent you right or wrong for then your justification is not valid. But if I’m personally a piece of crap then I deserve whatever you hand out whether it’s neglect or active abuse or passive aggressive.
This is partly why I wish for reconciliation. If I know you as only a sister it might hurt but it’s better than imagining you and your wellbeing and praying for you on a superficial level and a level that is most certainly mistaken and even wish fulfillment.
I Can fix many things. Without plastic surgery I can’t fix my face. My wife constantly picks at me literally and figuratively for not being fussier about stray hairs and blemishes etc. I have been fixing that even. A shaved head is in fashion and people think I’m fifteen years younger than I am so I’ve fixed that. I’m in much better shape than many even fifty or younger. I don’t have the dad bod many thirty year olds have. I’m doing a regimen of weight lifting so I’m def more buff than you saw me last. I’m active. I do not like to run but I can do a 10k. I can climb mountains and do 20k hikes. I weigh the same as I did in undergrad but it’s more muscle and more trim.
My wife has worked on my social skills. I lapse some times but I’m no longer the stupid blabbermouth I swear you hated in college. In fact I prefer not to go out socially (avoiding the appearance of temptation 😂 ) but I can if I have to. She’s trained me in how to keep my mouth shut and working on my ability to engage and look interested without checking out. I know how to ballroom and dance (although I don’t like it having been a band member). I’m still growing in my spiritual life and am active in church. We are here on missions (to Pakistanis even!) so you can’t fault me there. I suppose I could go Pentecostal and repent every week for whatever stumble I’ve done. Immerse myself in hour long worship songs so I can feel righteous and if I can just “get that feeling” then maybe that means I’m saved and I’ll never sin again.
You’ve said you liked my music so I suppose that’s a check in the plus column.
All this and I think both of you would still tolerate me at best. Then I really would resent you both as you continued to complain about everything I am. But as it is I know I’m not good enough to receive your attention and so you’re both justified in treating me like garbage.
Back to the other thing. If I remember you and women in general as a nasty maneater then it hurts less. I invested a lot in you, far more than any other. If you had responded you would have had the most devoted husband. My wife has a solid husband but I fall short all the time for some of the most trivial things. (You missed a spot” “did you sweep” “you know I asked you to” “why can’t you clean up after yourself?”). I’m not hanging out with beer drinking buddies. Ever. Unless you count Darryl! I work my schedule around her. I even did when I was the breadwinner, more so now that my business has discretionary hours.
But again. If I’m such a piece of garbage then I deserve everything women dish out. It hurts less and makes me feel better knowing that and gives you all a puppy to kick. So we all feel better. Right?